Narcissism is a word that I find is used a lot alongside 'gas lighting' to highlight toxic traits in relationships. A divorce from a narcissist often comes with high conflict. As expert divorce lawyers we are used to helping others to deal with their difficult spouses. I have found that narcissists, or those who behave in that way, have specific traits that can be easy to recognise but are often hard to manage.

Please note, there is a broad spectrum of narcissistic behaviours and I am not professionally qualified to identify or diagnose these personality traits. This article is a reflection of my first hand experience as a Family Lawyer

What are they like?

For them, it is often all about 'winning'

The truth is there are no real “winners” in divorce, with sound legal advice there should be some equitable splitting of responsibilities and assets. But from my experience that is not the narcissist’s point of view. He or she is likely to see himself or herself as a victim, regardless of the facts, and sometimes has no intention of meeting in the middle, so often negotiation or mediation simply does not work. Being proven right is sometimes the ultimate goal. Understanding how to negotiate with someone in a way that makes them feel they are getting what they want whilst also getting what you want is difficult but can be achievable.

They are a game player

Even when taking the matter to court, he or she will try to maintain power and an edge by keeping others off-balance.  The purpose is often to keep you spinning. Gaming and trying to manipulate the system will be their first line of defence, which is why it is important to seek legal advice early on.

They do not tally emotional losses

Those with pathological narcissism struggle with empathy, which means that he or she fails to recognise or consider how anyone including his or her spouse and, more important, children—might be hurt by the game-playing or other behaviours. It can be helpful to keep a log or record of worrying behaviour. Ex-partners who behave this way may try to involve the children to get them to 'pick a side' or use them as a means of trying to hurt you. Seek support for the children if they are struggling with the emotional fallout.

Court Proceedings can become a power a trip

This type of person often needs to be in a relationship to self-regulate. If they simply let you go, he or she would have to find someone else to fill the need. Taking you to court can give them a feeling of power. Unfortunately, this can also mean that they do not care how long the process takes—which is surprising but true.

He or she wants you to give up

It’s not enough that he can say that he or she won—they need a symbolic trophy to prove it and the easiest way to achieve that is for you to capitulate.

How the narcissist changes the nature of the divorce 

The likelihood is that you’ve ended up in court because your spouse has been 'difficult' up till now. There are now clear cost consequences for spouses that refuse to negotiate reasonably, again it is important to get legal advice early on, to know where you stand. Going to court and having a judge decide may actually make your ex more comfortable because it means they do not have to take responsibility for the outcome, especially if it’s not favourable to them, sometimes a court order only serves to re-enforce their 'victimhood'

The strategy of obstruction

Often this person only believes his or her truth, however unlikely. They may not be averse to lying, even about things that can be easily shown not to be true, because showing that they’re not true takes up more time  (and legal fees)—and that’s part of the strategy. They can be experts at self-presentation, they will often believe their own lies. Their working assumption is often that the judge will believe his or her story.

They can refuse to negotiate or settle

Again, he or she also knows that the longer the process takes, the easier you’ll be to manipulate and pressure into agreeing to their terms. He or she is counting on that. He or she is by nature a game player. The courts have now introduced strict rules on reasonable negotiations to tackle this type of behaviour.

Run up your bills

Money is used as a stick in most cases. They most likely see it as a necessary expense. There are now clear cost consequences for those who refuse to negotiate reasonably which is why it is important to seek legal advice when in court proceedings.

Paint you black

Pressure can come at you from different angles. Whether true or not, mud will be thrown by the narcissist to see what sticks to the wall. Getting his or her story out there, told to new friends, old ones, family members, and people associated with your work and profession, is also typical of their efforts to cause harm to reputation while garnering support for him or herself.

Go back to court again and again even after a settlement or divorce

He or she is likely to keep on using the court system to resolve any real disputes as well as create new ones. Again, this is why it is so important to seek legal advice at an early stage to see what provisions can be put in place to stop this from happening.

Moving Forwards

It can be difficult to see a way out to free yourself from a person with narcissistic traits, especially where there are children involved. Narcissistic abuse is a form of domestic abuse and there are organisations which can help you to deal with this behaviour. Make sure you have a strong support network as the whole process can take its toll. We are able to work alongside specialist therapists, divorce accountants and experienced divorce coaches that can support you through a high conflict divorce. This behaviour is a form of abuse and dependent on the situation you may be able to apply for an injunction to protect yourself.

If you have concerns that your relationship has been affected by personality traits exhibited by your partner, and you are considering divorce proceedings, please get in touch with a member of our Family Law team. Call 0330 0945 500, emailfamily@nevesllp.co.uk or complete our Contact Form and we'll get back to you.